Aug. 13th, 2004

You are your body in this life, you choose to live as this body/in this body to learn what you need to learn in this life. This is where your energy goes, this is how you express your energy. There is no 'me' and 'my body'. It is all one, all of it is 'me'.

Your cat was little and it went away to teach you to take care of yourself. You needed to be alone to learn this, to make life good just for you, not for you and for other people, other creatures. You also needed to learn to care *for* yourself, to like this person, this body who is you.
You can trap yourself with competence and energy, to take care of other people, and forget yourself. Sometimes it's easier that way, it is easier to hide your needs and pretend you have no needs, and therefore are not needy.
But you do need things, and when you acknowledge it, you can supply many of your needs. You can nurture your garden and yourself, and yourself via your garden: make yourself happy by arranging things and making them grow, make yourself strong by carrying and planting and weeding, make yourself healthy by eating things you grow. It is all one. The garden is yours, and by claiming it and working it and planning and planting it, you are making it a part of you. Now you have body and soul and garden.

And your home is also being made into you. Part of your restlessness and lack-of-quiet at having strangers in your home, breaking and building and fixing, is that it is them building things and not you, but this is also something you are learning, to have other people build you and fix you and make you better. You know in the end it is you. You have to spend time alone in the house to make it part of you, too. You have to decide what there will be where, what colour, what shape.

It's all energy, you are rebuilding the world to suit you, you are building and destroying you to learn what you need to learn and to make things better for you. Or so I believe. It might all be pretentious bollocks.

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November 2011

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